Gardenias

Fresh off the press poetry

Gardenias

The scent of blooming white petals brings back her laugh
The sound of her joy
It wraps me in a cocoon of her love
Just for a moment.

Her favorite colors were purple and yellow
The color of a warm spring sun
Shining on the petals of the lilac bush
She grew in the side yard.

If I let the fragrance envelop me
I can still hear her excitement
When I share good news
Or call to say I love you.

There’s an app on my phone I can’t open
Or delete
Because she used it to see pictures of my kids—
We lived so far away.

Old newspaper clippings of me sit in a box
Worn and faded from years of being carried
So she could tell everyone she met
How proud she was of all I’d done.

She never missed a game,
Even during chemo.
The cancer didn’t take her then,
I was gifted two decades of false hope.

Her love was truly unconditional
It was never something I had to earn
Never wielded against me like a weapon
She was the safest harbor I knew.

Without her, I’m a ship with no anchor
Lost at sea, drifting aimlessly
No wind in my sails to bring me home
The guiding lamp burnt out in the lighthouse.

I learned to hold a grudge from her
My stubborn streak born from her example
Forgiveness never came easily to either of us
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go.

Gardenias are hard to keep alive
They’re fickle plants that don’t tell you what they need
Until it’s too late.
I’ve replaced four separate plants now.

But I can’t replace her.

The smell of gardenias,
An old voicemail,
And photos of a lifetime together
At best summon a memory.

Isn’t it funny how I can move through life,
Eyes and ears closed,
But I can’t block out the smell
That keeps her alive in my heart?

Photo by Parker Sturdivant on Unsplash

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A friend suggested I might find this cathartic. I’m not sure if I understood the assignment, but it just made my heart ache for all I miss. The chasm is still too wide to properly bridge, I think. But it will grow narrower. With time.

Love, light, and healing to all.

xx

Luce